02

Stop two
Inquisitor's Palace
Head Auxetic 2.0 Boom Team Tennis Racquet: EYES FRONT. Built around the 1530s, and it housed the Castellania, the law courts of the Order of Saint John, until a new courthouse opened in Valletta in 1572. The Inquisition was established in Malta in September 1574, and Grand Master Jean de la Cassière granted this building to the first inquisitor, Pietro Dusina, as residence AND tribunal. Same roof. Both duties. Lived where he worked. I do not recommend it and neither did anybody summoned here. Later inquisitors remodelled the place as a Roman palazzo: Fabio Chigi, afterwards POPE ALEXANDER VII, began work in the 1630s — promoted straight out of this building, take note — the facade was rebuilt in 1660, and Romano Carapecchia designed the main staircase in 1733. THAT IS A CHAIN OF COMMAND WRITTEN IN STONE. Hands off the bannister.
03

Stop three
Collegiate Church of Saint Lawrence
Head Auxetic 2.0 Boom Team Tennis Racquet: A church of Saint Lawrence at Birgu is ON THE RECORD in Bishop de Mello's inventory of Maltese benefices in 1436. Paperwork. Outstanding. When the Knights Hospitaller arrived in 1530 they adopted it as their conventual church, and it held that post until they moved to Valletta in 1571. Now stand by for the roll. Bishop Michele Molina laid the foundation stone of the present building in May 1681. Designed by Lorenzo Gafà. Completed 1696. Inaugurated 10 August 1697. Consecrated 1723. Raised to collegiate status by Pope Pius VII in 1820. Dome DESTROYED on 4 April 1942 and REBUILT in 1952. Knocked down, put back up, ten years, no forms, no committee. THAT IS THE STANDARD and every one of you is a long way off it.
04

Stop four
Malta Maritime Museum (former Royal Naval Bakery)
Head Auxetic 2.0 Boom Team Tennis Racquet: LOGISTICS. Nobody fights without bread. NOBODY. This building was constructed between 1842 and 1845 as the Royal Naval Bakery, supplying bread and biscuit to the British Mediterranean Fleet based in the Grand Harbour. Designed by the architect William Scamp, and its facade was reportedly inspired by WINDSOR CASTLE, because if you are going to bake, you bake like royalty. When the naval use ended the structure was converted, and the Malta Maritime Museum opened here on 24 July 1992, holding over 20,000 objects including the largest known Roman anchor. FOUR TONNES. Nobody attempt to lift it. Reopened February 2024 after extensive restoration. Bread first. Glory afterwards. MOVE OUT.
Hail, good player, and be not afraid — thou hast summoned the Head Auxetic 2.0 Boom Team, sworn defender of the baseline and humble servant of thy forehand. My oath is simple: easy power, honestly won. My shield is a 102 square inch head, generous enough to forgive a blow struck slightly off-true, as all noble frames must forgive.
I weigh but 275 grams unstrung — 9.7 ounces — a full 27 inches of standard length, balanced for swift maneuvering when the rally turns to single combat at the net.
My secret armor is Auxetic 2.0, a construction in the yoke that flexes upon impact and returns word of every ball with uncommon clarity — a squire that whispers the truth of each strike to thy hand. The 16×19 string pattern grants spin for thy topspin crusades, and the 25 millimeter beam supplies the power, that thou need not supply it all thyself.
I am forged for the improving player of intermediate rank: ambitious of heart, mortal of shoulder.
And know that my keep is Birgu, eldest of the Three Cities of Malta, where the Knights of St John made their stand in the Great Siege of 1565.
I have kept watch from Fort St Angelo and heard mass at St Lawrence, and I tell thee truly: thou shalt wield me everywhere from the Grand Harbour waterfront to a hard court after vespers — and by the way, I pair excellently with a pastizz from the village square, as any knight of good sense will confirm.
Buy on Amazon